Monday, July 22, 2013

Breaking Space News with Patty Hammond

Welcome, life forms of the universes, today I am interviewing Patty Hammond. She says she's having a character answer my questions, but that's the oldest deflection in the universes.

For example, I once had a friend who stole two blue lawnchairs, because she thought they'd look nice on the outside of her spaceship.

Get it? Wink Wink.

Space Rep? I don't get it.

Liza: Look at my banner.

Space Rep: Oh, those blue chairs. Are you saying Patty is a chair thief? Oddly, I have to arrest people for that offense...if they admit it and sign 43,978 forms.

Liza: No, I'm saying Patty is hiding behind this 'alleged' character, and my peeps should assume all answers are hers. 

Space Rep: Did she manipulate the creation of digital transmissions which are considered legal in a court of judicial interpretations?

Liza: I have no idea what you just asked.

Space Rep: *Sighs* Did she type the answers to your questions?

Liza: Yes.

Space Rep: The JIP agrees with you. Patty and this character are considered to reside in the same biological unit and are thus the same.

Liza: You spent a half a page just to agree with me?

Space Rep: Reluctantly, yes, I did.

Liza: Out!

Space Rep slinks off.

Liza: Peace at last. So let's transport in Patty and pretend this character really exists.

< That's the human transporter. I got it used. Hope it works... Patty will be the first person I test it on.  I did a test with a grapefruit. However, the results were inconclusive. It came back cut in two with the fleshy part eaten, but I'm not sure what that means. Oh well, too late to worry about it now. 

HERE'S PATTY!  I hope....
Oh, Thank God! Patty, how do you feel? Everything where it should be? 

Patty: I'm fine. Thanks for sending your hostess package to my ship. I really enjoyed the grapefruit. It was delicious!

Liza: *wipes brow* My pleasure. Anything to make my guest comfortable. Are you ready to begin your interview?

Patty: Given how long this blog already is, I think we should. Now you do understand I've created a character to answer your strange questions. I am just a normal human living on Earth. I haven't even written a short story, let alone a book.

BREAKING SPACE NEWS--No time to Fact Check

Finally discovered: A human who has NOT written a book or even a short story. Reports are Amazon has already sent out an enforcer team to encourage her to write the tragic story of her demise before they eliminate her.

Patty: What was that?

Liza: Oh, ignore those. I assure you my peeps pay no attention to them.

Space Rep: Yes, we do. 

Liza: Let me get to the obvious question on everyone's mind. Are you human or alien?

Patty: Well, my character is a human and alien hybrid created during an experiment in gene manipulation on a space station just outside the Motara Nebula.

Liza: Reeeeaaaally. *Wink Wink* And why are you lurking about Earth NOT writing any stories?

Patty:  I came to Earth to find out more about my human history and heritage.  As an archivist, I am interested in learning more and Earth has an abundance of history still left to explore because of all the information that has been lost throughout time.

BREAKING SPACE NEWS--No time to Fact Check

Patty AKA PattyBones has arrived on Earth to strip mine it of Data. She says there's "an abundance of history" to be found and harvested.

Patty: I didn't say that.

Liza: Seriously, you need to ignore those. Space News often gets the facts wrong. Now I understand you don't dream at night, only in the daytime. Can you share your dreams?

Patty: I dream about finding a lost city like Atlantis or New York or some other lost city from Earth’s past.

BREAKING SPACE NEWS--No time to Fact Check

Patty AKA Patty De Bones plots to steal New York City as those before her have stolen Atlantis and other cities that we no longer even know existed.

Patty: I am plotting what? 

Liza: Let's change topics. Maybe you won't provoke them if we talk of something over their head. Do you believe in Multiverses, also referred to as parallel universes? 

Patty:  I believe they exist, theoretically.  However, based on all the historical research I have done across this universe, I have found no evidence of the parallel universes ever crossing paths or leaving evidence of someone from another universe leaving traces in ours.

Liza: Now you've riled me! No evidence? What causes Deja Vu if not the collapsing of universes into one another because their time-differences are no longer statistically relevant? And what about people who see and talk to those we can't see? What are they, if not residual lives caught during a collapse of universes? And what about missing time? You head off to work and then you're there and you don't remember the drive at all. These happen to everyone constantly. What more proof could you possibly need?

Space Rep: You might want to run now.

Patty: I have a bad feeling about this. Maybe you're right.

Liza: No wait, let's find a new topic. Tell me the worst moment of your life, and don't say this interview.

Patty: My worst week ever is part of my worst year ever.  I was on a plane on September 11, 2001 going to Las Vegas with my husband, while the attacks were happening.  

Our plane was forced to land in Denver, Colorado without much explanation.  We were told nothing except that we were landing, by FAA orders, at Denver International Airport.    BTW, all the planes landing were being escorted to the runway by Air Force jets, from NORAD.  

When we got off the plane into the terminal, there was one person to greet us and all she could say was “Stay Here!  Do not move! This has never happened before!” and she was crying when she left us there without any further information. 

We were in the dark about the events that were happening. All the TVs were off in the Airport and the terminal was deserted except for us.  Lucky, my husband had his cell phone on him and was able to call his best friend.  That is when we found out what happened.  

 Needless to say it was the saddest week we ever experienced. 

Liza: I was in Canada hiking when the twin towers fell, only it was September the 12th. Then the next day everyone said it occurred on September 11th, so I figured two universes collapsed into one and Sept 11th won out and went with the flow. No point in arguing with Quantum Physics. You never want to annoy the quarks.

Patty: Quarks? You are very strange. 

Liza: Who's your favorite Sci-Fi writer?

Patty: Lois McMaster Bujold and I blog about her often.

Liza: Why isn't it me?

Patty: Because I found Bujold first!

Liza: Oh, I thought it might be because my SkyRyders series won't be out until sometime in 2014

Patty: Well that could be--

BREAKING SPACE NEWS--No time to Fact Check

Our investigators have uncovered more disturbing facts about Patty AKA Pat de Bones

Patty Hammond is an everyday fangirl who is disguised as a mild mannered data analyst for an advertising agency in Michigan. She's really smart, travels and reads alot.

You can find her online either blogging on her site, Everydayfangirl, or posting on various social media sites including Facebook and Twitter under the ID of PattyBones.

Patty de Bones should be considered armed with sufficient knowledge and experience to make NYC, or any city, disappear. If you come in contact with Patty, the best course is to give up your data and run like the wind.

Patty: That's it! I've had it with the Breaking News. I'm want to go back to my ship now!

Liza: Probably a good idea. When they get this riled up there's no stopping them. Thanks for coming on my blog. It's been fun.

Patty: Bye, I had a good time...I think.
                * Disappears into the tall skinny microwave*

Patty's Links
Twitter handle @pattybones2
Facebook PattyBones2

Liza: Don't forget to leave a comment. Patty and I love comments. They are candy to our souls. And feel free to subscribe to my blog so they should up in your empty email box and make your day.


All spammers will be shot with a plasma gun.