Space Rep: Are you sure the book should be on your sci-fi blog? We've got spec standards you know.
Liza: You are questioning Jessica Subject's spec standards? She's the epitome of standards. She is what we all inspire to be:
Space Rep: Your English is terrible. You don't pair the word 'an' with 'space towel'.
Liza: I didn't. I wrote what she is, which starts with an A and she spaced toweled me. She doesn't want everyone to know she's a bunch of different vowels with l as the second letter and n as the last.
Space Rep: Let's see: a.l.i.o.n. Oh God, she's a lion?
Liza: Close, but no. You're one letter off. And you are getting us off topic. We are interviewing the book today, so get your tea out of my transport and move the book over.
Space Rep: It's not going to bite me is it?
Liza: Books do not bite, however, I may...
An Alien for the Holidays story
By Jessica E. Subject
Erotic Sci-Fi Romance
Liza: Fat and old?
Space Rep: I was going to say drunk, but that too.
Liza: Hey, Santa, come on down. *Price is Right music plays in background* (Sorry, I just had to say that?)
Santa: I've no idea what you mean, but be warned I do possess a space towel.
Liza: As do I. So you don't seem surprised I can hear you. Did Jessica prep you for this interview.
Santa: Yes. It's why I came with a towel. She says your space rep tends to spill tea in the transport machine.
Liza: That's true, but you look nice and dry, so let's begin the interview. Tell me about yourself.
Santa: I began life as a tree--
Liza: Sorry, we don't have time to go that far back. Tell me about yourself once you were published.
Santa: She doesn’t want a lot for Christmas…
Santa: Claire Otton. She dreads spending another holiday alone. When her best friend convinces her to approach the sexy mall Santa, she takes the chance and asks him out, hoping for so much more.
Space Rep: Does she have a long Christmas list like me?
Liza: Don't answer Space Rep. He's not authorized to question books. Tell me about the mall Santa.
Santa: He’s waiting under the mistletoe…
Liza: So he's a stationary stalker?
Santa: No! Although Andreas Castellanos blends in on Earth, he knows he will never belong. But when the gorgeous woman he’d been staring at invites him to dinner, he has a hard time saying no.
Liza: Why would he say no? Isn't that a stalker's dream? To be asked to dinner?
Space Rep: My google search says no.
Liza: Continue with your story.
Santa: All they’re asking for…
Liza: Spit it out book, we haven't all day!
Santa: Can these two lonely souls find magic together or will their secrets steal their chance of a happy Christmas?
Space Rep: Duck and Cover Santa!
Liza: *glares at Santa* Why are you asking me? I haven't read you yet. Now open up your pages and let me see what's inside.
Santa: *trembles* and opens his cover.
Space Rep: Sorry, I should have warned you. She hates being asked questions she doesn't know the answer to.
“You can’t be serious.” Claire mustered the dirtiest look possible for her best friend.
Tiffany held out her hands and air-squeezed the man’s firm rear end from a distance. “C’mon. Look at that ass.”
“Yes, but a Santa Claus? How do I know what he looks like under that suit and beard?” Imagining removing the white hair to find a wrinkled old man, she shuddered.
“Only one way to find out.” Smacking Claire’s butt, Tiffany urged her forward. “Go ask him.”
She planted her feet. Thank goodness she hadn’t worn heels for their marathon shopping trip two days before Christmas. “If you’re so interested, why don’t you?”
Tiffany rolled her eyes, sighing. “Because I’m engaged to be married to the love of my life. You’re the Grinch who needs to get laid.”
“I’m not a Grinch,” she snapped. Breathing deeply, she counted backwards from ten. “I’m sorry. This is a very stressful time of year for me.”
“I know.” Tiffany cupped her elbow. “I just want to see you happy at Christmas again. It doesn’t have to be a miserable holiday anymore. That’s part of the reason I dragged you with me today.”
She swallowed the lump in her throat, tears welling already. Please don’t let me turn into a blubbering mess in the middle of the mall. While she appreciated her friend’s concern, she coped better on her own. “I…I should go home. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
Space Rep: What didn't happen?
Santa: Read the book to find out.
Space Rep: I'm off the find the buy links!
Available FREE From:
Liza: Well done, Space Peep.
Space Rep: May I download the book?
Liza: I don't see we've got a choice. The book has left us in an untenable place. We have to find out what happened to the poor woman and see her to happiness. And since it's FREE from now to November 4, you won't have to go hungry to pay for it. Instead, we can all find out what happens to Claire and her Santa.
Space Rep: Are you going to threaten to torture Santa. Because if you are, I need to point out I have a very large Christmas list--
Liza: We aren't torturing Santa. My readers would never forgive me. Santa is the most popular fellow in the entire world. Even bigger than the Beatles.
Santa: *wipes brow of book* So may I return to Jessica and her much nicer, cleaner spaceship?
Liza: Don't you wish to tell me about Jessica Subject? She worked very hard to bring you to life.
Santa: Of course, Jessica Subject is the author of contemporary and science fiction romance, ranging from sweet to erotica. In her stories, you could meet clones, or a sexy alien or two. You may even be transported to another planet for a romantic rendezvous.
Liza: Not without a visa, I hope. Otherwise, readers will find themselves stuck in spaceports with no way to leave.
Santa: When Jessica isn't reading, writing, or doing dreaded housework, she likes to get out and walk. Fast. But she just may slow down if there is a waterfall nearby.
Space Rep: Why? Do waterfalls cross the street like deer?
Liza: Ignore him and continue.
Santa: Jessica lives in Ontario, Canada with her husband and two energetic children. And she loves to hear from her readers.
Liza: Okay, that's half true. She lives in her space ship hovering above Ontario, but you are absolutely correct that she loves to hear from her readers.
Santa: You can find her at jessicasubject.com
and on twitter @jsubject.
Here's a picture of Jessica when I kidnapped her once.
Santa: Okay, you're scaring me now. I should be going.
Liza: About that. You'll be staying for three days, but the good news is you'll be back in time for your Christmas gig.
Santa: What? Why? I answered all your questions.
Liza: Yes, but I'm a starving author--
Santa: I'm a book, you can't eat me!
Liza: Never, but as a starving author I can't really afford full service transport services. So I only get guaranteed full transport every three days.
Santa: And what do you get on the other days?
Liza: Well, here's a cat I was trying to transport out of an ambiguous box:
The owner of the cat, Mr. Schrodering, is still mad at me.
Space Rep: I think he name was Schrodinger.
Liza: Who cares. He de-friended me.
Santa: I'll wait the three days, thank you.
Space Rep: Good decision, but in the meantime, I can offer you a nice hot cup of tea.
Liza: Peeps, please leave comments. Santa needs calmed down. His pages are trembling.