Monday, March 24, 2014

Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens by Mark Speed

Today, we have the fabulous Mark Speed and his hilarious Doctor How and The Illegal Aliens.

Space Rep: Don't you mean Doctor W--

Liza: No, and don't even say it. It says Doctor How.

Space Rep: Sorry, I just thought your fingers got drunk before they began typing tonight.

Liza: Nope, it's Doctor How. So would you like to know about the prize?

Space Rep: Esy.

Liza: What does that mean? Oh 'Yes'. Very clever Space Rep. One randomly chosen commenter will win a $50 gift card from either Amazon or B&N.

Space Rep: All right! How do I win it?

Liza: Just follow the rafflecopter my friend.
Now without any further delay let's check out this book. It sounds to be right up my alley.

Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

by Mark Speed


Doctor How’s famous megalomaniac brother Doctor Who sold his fictional life story to the BBC half a century ago, painting himself as a lone hero. Disillusioned, their four cousins dropped out. For fifty years, Doctor How has held the line against the forces of darkness and stupidity. And he’s not that happy, since you ask.

Illegal aliens try to hack How’s Spectrel (TARDIS is a very rude word where he comes from), just as he suspects his estranged cousin Where has been compromised. When reports come in of mysterious attacks by alien creatures, Doctor How has to rely on his new companion Kevin, a petty criminal from south London, and Trinity, a morphing super-predator, as he counters this threat to humanity’s existence. Bungling agents from MI16, long desperate to capture the Time Keeper’s technology, hamper How’s efforts to combat the alien menace. Can Doctor How keep ahead of MI16, save Where and combat the alien threat?


Kevin lowered his window and said, “Come on, Doc. We haven’t got all night.”

Where honked lightly twice, and Kevin laughed.

Doctor How smiled and took a couple of steps towards the cab.

There was a crash from inside the house, and the sound of splintering wood. The Doctor whipped around to see the sofa burst through the front window and tumble into the garden. It came to a stop upside down against the wall. He took a couple of steps back, pulled out his Ultraknife and held it towards the house.

“Get in the bleedin’ cab and let’s go!” yelled Where.

“I want to know what it is. Kill the headlights.”

“Kill the headlights? You’ll kill us all. Get inside!” Nevertheless, Where turned off the headlights.

“Get in, Doctor!” shouted Kevin.

The wall beneath the living room window collapsed outward in a cloud of dust, and the radiator that sat underneath it fell with a resonating clang onto the rubble. Water gushed out of a piece of broken central heating pipe.

A pair of black antennae waved through the dust. They were followed by two interlocking pairs of black mandibles two feet wide that scythed back and forth in the night air.

“Oh, you absolute beauty,” said the Doctor, lowering his Ultraknife a fraction.

“Oi, nutter! Get in the bleedin’ cab, will ya?” Where turned the headlights back on, lighting up the rest of the creature. It was six feet wide and six feet tall, with a rounded shiny black body.

“I wish you hadn’t done that,” said Kevin. “Get in, Doc. Let’s go!”

“It’s after you, cousin,” said Doctor How. Or your Spectrel. Or your cab. Or all three.”

“Well, I don’t want to stick around and find out which, do I? Get in, you bleedin’ maniac!”

The Doctor opened the door and got in the front beside his cousin, who jammed the vehicle into reverse just as the creature edged forward a few feet, to where the cab had been two seconds before.

“Wait!” said the Doctor. He slammed the cab into neutral and jerked the handbrake.


Mark Speed has been writing novels since he was fifteen. His comedy writing has appeared in
newspapers as diverse as the London Evening Standard and The Sun, and been broadcast on BBC Radio 4 Extra. He performed his solo comedy, The End of the World Show, at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2011 and 2012. He is currently working on the five-volume Doctor How series.

Amongst other postgraduate and professional qualifications, he has a Master’s degree in Creative Writing from City University, London. In 1995 a chiropractor told him he’d never run again. Sensibly, he gave up chiropractors, runs every day and has completed several marathons and a couple of Olympic-length triathlons.

NLP founder Dr Richard Bandler called him a ‘polarity responder’.


Don't forget to enter to win the fabulous $50 Tour Prize


  1. Hi Everyone, thanks to Liza for hosting me today, and to Goddess Fish for arranging everything. I'm looking forward to answering any questions you might have.

  2. Hi, Liza! Missing open quote in the exerpt. *sweeps proofing hat into the dustbin*
    Funny, and looks very nicel thanks for sharing.

    1. I found no fault in his proofing. 'Where' is a person, one of the brothers: Dr. Who, Dr. How, What, When, Where & Why (I think I got that right--I did a bit of research last night). And 'The Doctor' is correct IMO because that's his substitute name, like Captain. And he's British, so spelling & punctuation may be different, but not wrong.

  3. Great excerpt. This sounds like a very good story.

  4. I have a question, Mark. Where, What, Why & When: Did they drop out of training? Is that why they aren't doctors too?
    And did you get clearance from the Dr. Who machine, or is this considered a parody?

  5. Hi Liza, some terrific questions - the best I've had on this tour so far. The reason there are five volumes in this series is that we begin with Doctor How, and the other Time Keepers are introduced in each subsequent volume. In terms of their training and responsibilities, we learn the backstory throughout the series.

    With regards to the clearance, you're right - it's considered a work of parody. I even make a parody of the parody disclaimer in the frontispiece. I did also take a careful look at judgement in the Catcher in the Rye sequel by Swedish author Frederik Colting. Much of it comes down to 'fair use'. I was assured by a paralegal friend of mine that I was in the clear. I think what's important is that I became so taken up in the story that I created a completely different 'meta-story' that explains *everything* in a way that the Doctor Who writers never can. Witness the back-tracking they had to do in 'Day of the Doctor' on even the most recent storylines. My meta-story can even explain that. In terms of fair use, the character of Doctor Who (and there is actually no single identifiable Doctor Who character if you think about it) won't appear until the fifth volume.

  6. Bedtime here in London. Liza, thank you so much for hosting me today - I've really enjoyed it! Thanks also to Goddess Fish for arranging things.

  7. Late getting here, but this sounds great. Thanks for sharing it.

  8. It sounds funny! Who doesn't love a good parody??

  9. Hi Karen and Melissa, thanks for dropping by - sorry I didn't get a chance to connect yesterday.

  10. This book sounds like great fun to read.

    kareninnc at gmail dot com


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